No Skill November

Good morning! Today, I’d like to introduce a segment I’ll be posting on Fridays this month, called NO SKILL NOVEMBER. This is a segment where I’m going to take a look at some of the most awesomely bad martial arts movies. The first movie I’d like to talk about is Kickboxer 4 The Aggressor.

What makes an awesomely bad martial arts movie? The thing that sticks out to me the most in this sorry excuse of a film is Tong Po; a previously established character. So, for those who are familiar with the franchise, Tong Po is directly responsible for destroying the Sloan Family. But the Tong Po we see in Kickboxer 4 is a different Tong Po than we’ve ever seen before. Sure, they give him the backstory and name, then they throw us a curveball when they present this fake Tong Po to us on the screen. I almost said big-screen but let’s be honest, this garbage movie has never and will never see a big screen in its existence. Anyway, when they show Tong Po he’s sporting a rubber face. I mean they bring new actors to established movie series all the time. This one surely would’ve been better served if they’d just let Kamel Krifa play Tong Po with no mask. They could’ve given him the same hair and painted him up with some makeup and that would’ve done the job. In an effort to create an exact fucking replica, director Albert Pyun essentially created a trainwreck. The funny thing about trainwrecks is you just can’t look away if you see one, and I think that’s probably what he was going for here.

 When they made the Lethal Weapon television series they didn’t give Clayne Crawford a rubber Mel Gibson mask so Martin Riggs of the Chicago Riggses could look like the Riggs in the movies. No! They just called him Riggs as if he were the only Riggs to ever exist. That’s how this works. No rubber mask needed. But its just one of many reasons that make Kickboxer 4: The Aggressor an awesomely bad movie.

Sasha Mitchell plays David Sloan, the weakest of all the Sloans. I like Sasha Mitchell, alright. I just see him more as Cody from Step By Step than a badass martial arts master. Even though he studies the arts in real life; how ironic. His real life studies don’t translate to the little screen in a positive way in this movie. Sasha Mitchell’s acting in this movie is worse than the acting you’ll see on low-level soap opera’s. His fighting scenes look more like my brothers and I trying to imitate wrestling in the back yard as kids than something that belongs in an actual movie. 

And the storyline is garbage. Ok, so you expect me to believe that Tong Po, who hates the Sloan family with every fiber of his being (seeing as how they destroyed his honor and ruined his life) isn’t going to recognize David Sloan? Sasha just says it’s been a lot of long hard years since Tong Po’s seen my face and that settles it. The biggest flaw for that theory is that Po has kidnapped Sloan’s wife. That’s the entire reason Sloan is convinced to go to Tong Po’s compound. That and to give the FEDS the dirt they need to apprehend the crime lord Tong Po.

Your President!!

It gets worse. Tong Po invites fighters to his compound so he can watch them fight one another. Only Po has no intentions of letting anybody leave his compound alive. The winner of this morbid tournament is promised a match against Tong Po. Better yet whoever beats the fake rubber faced Tong Po in a fight gets a million dollars for his or her efforts. But Po basically kills all the fighters for whatever reasons he wants and never plans on paying the million dollars to anybody. Ever!! So apparently Tong Po never ages. He can just fight the best fighters in the world. He can beat anybody that’s not a Sloan or hasn’t been trained by Xian Chow. 

The thing about awesomely bad martial arts movies is I love watching them. Like a trainwreck… maybe Albert Pyun was onto something… 

Thanks for reading. Check back next week for NO SKILL NOVEMBER.

What’s the worst martial arts movie you’ve seen lately??

Published by Matt Kaster

I like to think I'm living my everyday life inside a Will Ferrell movie. I'm a very sarcastic sort of goofball that tries to laugh at all the problems life has to offer...and then make funny videos about my head!! Subscribe now to witness some of my takes on everyday growth. I'll see you inside!

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