Part 2: The Escape
What if the battle Qui Gon and Obi-Wan had with Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace never happened?
What if Qui Gon ditched Obi-Wan and grabbed a nine-year-old Anakin Skywalker and hijacked Queen Amidala’s ship when she left Coruscant to return to Naboo?
Not that long ago, in a galaxy that resides inside his head…
An Angry Star Wars Fan Theory…
“Hurry, Anakin. We mustn’t let Obi-Wan catch us.”
“Master Qui Gon, sir, isn’t Obi-Wan our friend?”
“Remember your dream Anakin?” Qui Gon envisioned a dark cloud forming over Obi-Wan’s head some time ago. Anakin’s horrendous nightmares had confirmed those suspicions. It was only a matter of time before Kenobi would betray him.
“What’s that got to do with this?” A confused look appeared across Anakin’s face as he became defensive. The only thing he could think of was his charred penis; a thought that dwelled deep within his mind every moment since he’d had that horrific dream.
“Everything, Ani! If you are to become a Jedi, you must listen to me,” Qui Gon grabbed the boy by the arm and began forcefully pulling him. “We haven’t got time to waste.”
“But Master Qui-Gon, sir…” Anakin attempted to resist but was no match for the fully grown Qui-Gon Jinn. “I don’t want to be a Jedi anymore.” The more he struggled, the tighter Qui Gon’s grip became.
Qui Gon was amazed at the boy’s strength. He couldn’t wait to return to Tatooine and free Anakin’s mother. It was the only way he’d be able to free Anakin’s mind and conduct his training correctly. And the fact that the boy’s mother was a total babe was a huge bonus. That’s the way Qui Gon Jinn viewed things. He dragged the boy along as he spoke. “Don’t say that, Anakin. You will become the greatest Jedi ever.” Qui Gon paused for a moment as The Force revealed what was bothering Anakin.” I promise. And you had better listen to every word I’ve got to say if you want to keep that pecker of yours from getting fried.”
Suddenly, Anakin Skywalker stopped struggling and began trotting along with Qui Gon towards the Queen’s ship.
The manchild Obi-Wan Kenobi couldn’t believe it. There’s no way Qui Gon didn’t notice him flailing his arms as he nearly sprinted, trying to catch up with the group. All those years together and that son of a bitch had ditched him for the nine-year-old brat. Since Anakin had shown up, he’s all Qui Gon cared about, and Obi-Wan wasn’t going to lose his Jedi trainer to this dangerous little bastard. He needed to find Master Windu as soon as possible.
Senator Palpatine sensed a vergence in The Force. He summoned Darth Maul to his private quarters.
“Everything is transpiring the way I have foreseen. Soon I will rule over the entire galaxy as Chancellor. Only then will I be able to complete your training and show you the full power of The Dark Side. The Jedi have rejected the boy. Master Jedi Qui Gon has fled the Jedi temple and poses a threat to my reign. The boy poses an even bigger threat. We must not let Qui Gon train the boy in the ways of The Force. Lord Maul, you must stop them.”
“At last, the Sith will rule over the galaxy.” Darth Maul was full of eager anticipation. “I can’t wait to finish what I started on Tatooine and destroy Jinn. He’ll be no match for me without the other Jedi to protect him.”
“Do not underestimate The Force, my young apprentice. The boy is powerful. Do not attempt to apprehend Qui Gon just yet.”
“Then how do you propose I stop them?”
“Patience, my young apprentice. You still have much to learn. You will have your vengeance against Jinn, in time. First, we must lure them to us. Only then will we be able to control the terms of the battle.” Palpatine feared the mere presence of the boy would make any Jedi stronger. And without the Jedi to corrupt his thoughts, there’s no telling how powerful Qui Gon would become. “You must return to Tatooine and capture the boy’s mother. Her name is Skywalker. Bring her to me, and the boy won’t be able to resist seeking her out. Our entire fate depends on you bringing the boy’s mother before me. Do not fail me!”
“As you wish, my master.” Maul didn’t see the problem an untrained boy could present, and he damn sure wasn’t going to let Qui Gon escape the next time they crossed paths. How could he become a feared Sith Lord if he couldn’t destroy a rejected Jedi and a cocky young kid?
Palpatine sensed the conflict that resided within his apprentice. But he didn’t think Qui Gon would be stupid enough to return to Tatooine. He couldn’t be sure as The Force had clouded the futures of Qui Gon and the boy.
The manchild Obi-Wan frantically returned to the Jedi Temple to find Master Yoda, Master Windu, and the rest of the Jedi council conducting a meeting with Senator Palpatine. As far as Obi-Wan was concerned, the politics could wait. “Master Windu!… MasterYoda!… He’s taken the boy and fled.”
“Get a hold of yourself, young Jedi,” Mace Windu declared. “Take a seat.”
“But master, they’re getting away,” Kenobi pleaded.
“Revealed this news, the Senator has,” Yoda added. “Before barged in and rudely interrupted, you did.”
“Take a seat!” Mace Windu repeated as he pointed out a spot. “This council doesn’t take orders from padawan learners. Qui Gon declared your training was complete, but this council hasn’t voted on that issue yet. Conduct yourself like a Jedi young man. Take a seat.”
The manchild Obi-Wan finally sat down.
“As I was saying,” Senator Palpatine began. “Queen Amidala is in grave danger. I saw Qui Gon Jinn grab the boy myself. Master Kenobi arrived far too late to make it onto the ship. I tried asking Qui Gon why he was in such a rush, but he trotted right past me. There was no stopping him. The boy I can understand, though I’m not sure why he’d kidnap the Queen.”
“Where do you suspect they may be headed?” Mace Windu asked.
“I fear that’s of no consequence, “Palpatine resumed. “I fear Qui Gon’s intentions are to defile the Queen and take away her innocence. Which can be done on the ship.” Senator Palpatine paused for a moment and locked eyes with the manchild Obi-Wan Kenobi. “I’m quite sure the boy wishes to be reunited with his mother. Where did they find the boy again.”
“Tatooine!” The manchild Obi-Wan exclaimed before anyone else had a chance to answer. “We discovered the boy on Tatooine. I know just where to find her.” The manchild Obi-Wan enthusiastically jumped out of his chair.”
“Settle down, young padawan.” Mace Windu didn’t trust Kenobi. “I’ll accompany you to Tatooine. I’d also like to make a formal request to this council. Since Qui Gon left it incomplete, I’d like to resume and complete young Kenobi’s training…”
“But Master Qui Gon said there’s nothing else he could teach me.” The manchild Obi-Wan interrupted.
“Take a seat,” Mace Windu commanded.
The manchild Obi-Wan obliged, but he couldn’t stand the thought of Qui Gon placing his greasy hands all over the beautiful Queen.
“Now listen,” Mace Windu continued. “Your defiant behavior proves exactly why I wish to resume your training. I will accompany you to Tatooine, and if you can lead me to the boy’s mother, you will have gained my trust.”
“Yes, Master.” The manchild Obi-Wan had no choice but to agree. But he couldn’t believe Master Windu didn’t trust him.
“So, do I have permission from this council to resume young Kenobi’s training?”
“Continue his training, you shall,” Yoda responded.
The manchild Obi-Wan Kenobi and Mace Windu headed off to Tatooine.
Senator Palpatine didn’t want to leave anything to chance. If Qui Gon and the boy decided to go to Tatooine, they’d be discovered by Darth Maul. Palpatine hoped the Jedi would cross paths with Qui Gon first so his defiant apprentice would fulfill the mission of bringing the boy’s mother to him. After that, the services of Darth Maul would no longer be needed. Anakin Skywalker was the apprentice Senator Palpatine desired.
“I will not let you land on Naboo, your highness.” Qui Gon Jinn basically commanded. “It’s far too dangerous. The Jedi have become corrupt. They cannot protect you. And alone, I stand no chance.”
“And why should I trust you instead of the Jedi?” The imposter Queen Amidala questioned.
“Because they’re gonna burn my dick off,” Anakin added.
The imposter Queen Amidala couldn’t believe her ears. “That’s highly inappropriate, young man.”
“I saw it in my dreams. Master Qui Gon says my dreams are important. He says they may not be true, but I have to be aware of them. It’s kinda confusing, but the thought of getting my penis burned up scares the crap out of me. It’s like its burned into my brain. Ahhh! I said, burn!!”
“It’s true,” Qui Gon said. “Anakin’s dreams could hold important information. He’s The Prophesized Chosen One, I have no doubt.”
“And The Chosen One needs his dick,” Anakin added while nodding his head.
The Imposter Queen Amidala did her best to ignore Anakin’s comments and focused on conversing with Qui Gon. “What about my people? This is my ship, and I’m in charge.”
Qui Gon did his best to remain composed. “Now listen to me, young lady. If you want your people saved, then this boy is our only chance. Don’t you understand? Senator Palpatine manipulated you. He will destroy your entire planet and the rest of the galaxy if we don’t stop him. I’ve foreseen it. My Force visions have become strong, and I trust them.”
“And I need my penis to help.”
“That’s right, Ani.” Qui Gon agreed. “The Chosen One will surely serve the galaxy much better if his member remains fully intact.
“But the boy’s only concern is his dick,” The imposter Queen Amidala suggested. “How can he save my people if he can’t discuss anything other than his penis?”
“You must trust me,” Qui Gon assured. “You must think about the big picture. And most of all, young lady, you must start listening.”
The Imposter Queen Amidala kept quiet and let Qui Gon speak.
“If you land on Naboo, not only will Anakin’s penis get burned off when he grows up, I’ll also end up dead. And a lot sooner than he loses his dick, let me tell you. I don’t even want to share what will become of you, so you must listen. We are to head to Tatooine to rescue the boy’s mother from slavery. After that, the boy will have a free mind, and I’ll be able to begin his training. You must understand your highness. You must trust my judgment on this. The Jedi have been blinded by the political light. And Senator Palpatine cannot be trusted. He’s a snake in the grass if I ever saw one. Now, please, command this ship to change course and head to Tatooine.”
The Imposter Queen Amidala wasn’t sure what to do. She looked to Padme for orders but was left hanging. She ultimately decided to turn the ship over to Qui Gon and let him take over command. And she was more than annoyed with Anakin’s continued comments.
“All right, Master Qui Gon, we did it! My penis will be safe! My penis will be safe!
“Patience, Ani. We haven’t done anything yet.”
“But I promised my mom I’d be back one day, and I wasn’t lying. Nothing can stop you, Master Qui Gon.”
“I wish that were true, Ani, but no one’s invincible. Not even me.”
Qui Gon knew there would be trouble on the horizon, but phase one of his plans were in motion.
Qui Gon planned on bartering for Schmi Skywalker’s life with Jar Jar Binks. The way he figured, Jar Jar would make a great slave and would be better off serving Watto than returning to his home planet. But to Qui Gon’s surprise, it wouldn’t have to come to that. Once they arrived on Tatooine, they traded some of The Imposter Queen Amidala’s merchandise for a land speeder. They piled in; Anakin piloted the speeder.
“Obi-Wan’s here,” Anakin declared. “I can feel his traderous presence.”
“I don’t sense anything,” Qui Gon answered.
“And so is Master Windu. I can smell his rank sweat anywhere.” They approached Anakin’s old house.
Qui Gon was hoping they’d be able to swing by and simply grab Schmi Skywalker without Watto knowing. But if Watto were to spot them, they had Jar Jar Binks to offer up as a trade. But it wouldn’t have to come to that. Qui Gon noticed another land speeder as they approached Schmi Skywalker’s place. The Jedi were here.
The manchild Obi-Wan felt Qui Gon and Anakin approaching. “There they are, master.”
“Nice job, young padawan,” Windu responded. “There may be hope for you yet.”
Anakin brought the land speeder to a halt. Qui Gon prepared to defend the crew against the dangerous Jedi. The Force was strong with Anakin, but the boy wouldn’t be able to offer much help if it came to battle.
“You passed the test, young padawan.” Qui Gon began. “I’m proud of the Jedi you’ve become, Obi-Wan. Since the council declared the boy unfit for training, I decided reuniting him with his mother is for the best.”
“Your intentions have already been revealed through The Force, Qui Gon,” Windu stated. “Your planning on going Rogue and training the boy on your own. You can’t hide your feelings from me.”
“I hope you had fun defiling the beautiful Queen on the way over here,” Obi-Wan just couldn’t get the picture out of his mind. All he could think of was how Qui Gon had his way with the Queen on her ship. And the manchild Kenobi wanted Queen Amidala for himself. “I’ll kill you for that, you bastard.” Obi-Wan drew his saber.
Qui Gon Force jumped from the land speeder and drew his saber before landing on the ground. He could sense the anger within Obi-Wan. The Jedi had already corrupted his former padawan. “I will defend myself if I have to Obi-Wan.”
“I’ll do as I must,” Obi-Wan responded before launching his attack.
As Qui Gon and the manchild, Obi-Wan Kenobi, was engaged in battle, Darth Maul snuck up to the land speeder. Anakin, The Imposter Queen Amidala, and the rest of the crew were still on board.
Anakin noticed Maul approaching the speeder. “Master Qui Gon, help!”
Qui Gon became distracted and looked towards Anakin. The manchild Obi-Wan Kenobi took full advantage and pierced his saber through Qui Gon’s midsection. Anakin watched in disbelief.”
Mace Windu was shocked that Kenobi struck Qui-Gon down. He’d never be able to explain these actions to the council.
The manchild Obi-Wan switched his focus to Queen Amidala. He noticed how beautiful she looked on that land speeder. As he enjoyed was enjoying her beauty, Darth Maul decapitated her with one swift swing of his saber. “No!” Obi-Wan screamed before heading towards Maul.
Mace Windu drew his saber as he readied himself for the situation. Darth Maul lept from the land speeder over the top of the manchild Obi-Wan’s head. He landed right next to Mace Windu. They engaged in battle.
The manchild Obi-Wan was overcome with grief. He grabbed Queen Amidala’s headless body in his arms and sobbed like a little girl. “No!” He screamed before heading towards her murdered.
Mace Windu was skilled with his saber and battled Darth Maul with brilliance. The manchild Obi-Wan Kenobi joined his new master in the battle against Maul.
As the Jedi were battling with Maul, Anakin noticed that Qui-Gon was still alive. He placed his Chosen hands on the wound. There was a momentary flash of light, and when it passed, Qui-Gon’s wound was healed. “You are The Chosen One, Ani. Let’s get your mother and get the hell out of here while your penis is still intact.
Schmi Skywalker had heard the commotion outside her hut. It wasn’t uncommon for thugs to fight and cause a ruckus all night long. She didn’t think much about it. Then, she noticed a familiar face come into her home.
“I told you I’d be back!” Anakin declared before embracing his mother. “Quick, come with me. We haven’t got much time.”
“But my place is here, Ani. I belong to Watto.”
“Not anymore. Master Qui-Gon’s readying our speeder. We got a ship waiting to take you away from this awful place. C’mon, let’s get out of here.”
Suddenly, Qui-Gon appeared with The Imposter Queen Amidala’s headless body. “Quick, give me some of your clothes,” he told Schmi.” If we dress her like you, then Watto will think you were killed by thugs and won’t send the Hutts after us looking for trouble. We don’t have the Jedi backing us anymore, and we don’t need gangsters putting price tags on our heads. Quick, help me change her clothes.”
Qui Gon, Anakin, and Shmi Skywalker left the headless body of The Imposter Queen Amidala in Shmi’s hut and headed out to the speeder. Mace Windu and Obi-Wan were still engaged in an intense battle with Darth Maul. Before anyone realized it, the land speeder was gone.
Darth Maul was getting overpowered by the two Jedi. The manchild Obi-Wan was full of a rage the likes of which he’d never seen before. A passion his master would be fond of. Maul realized he needed to make an escape and wait for the fight time to kill Kenobi. And Qui Gon Jinn. He didn’t want Palpatine to sense young Kenobi’s newfound rage.
Mace Windu diverted his attention away from the battle and noticed the land speeder the boy and Qui Gon had arrived in was gone. He also noticed Qui Gon’s body was gone. During this time, Darth Maul knocked Obi-Wan on his ass and retreated.
“You can’t hide from me forever, you bastard!” The manchild Obi-Wan was beyond angry.
“Calm down, my young padawan,” Windu stated. “You have much to learn. You must learn how to control your rage. Only then will you realize your full potential.”
Obi-Wan and Mace Windu returned to the Jedi temple empty-handed. They never thoroughly discussed the events that unfolded on Tatooine that day. They informed the council that Qui Gon, Anakin, and Shmi Skywalker couldn’t be found.
The Rogue Warriors had made their escape. Qui Gon was happy to have rescued the beautiful Schmi. Now that he’d abandoned the corruption of the Jedi, he would be leaving their customs behind. Qui Gon fully intended to take Shmi as his wife. Only a strong, united family man would be able to train The Chosen One properly.
Anakin continued having nightmares about his member getting burned off, but they weren’t as intense as before. And he didn’t have to worry about missing his mother ever again.
To be continued…
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